Hey, kids! This is a list of ten songs that I like, despite being written by bands that I either hate or merely dislike. The ordering of this list is not based on how good the song is. It is based on how surprised I was that I liked the song, and then I use quality as a tie-breaker, if necessary. My favourite song on this list is probably "Time To Pretend," if you were curious, hypothetical reader. What is funny is that this is my first post, which means that even in the best case scenario, no one is reading this. But, hey. Don't get discouraged, lil' one!
10. "Spiderwebs" by No Doubt
As in all cases, I 100% reserve the right to change my mind in the future, but I do not like No Doubt, at present. In the past, I enjoyed a few songs from Rock Steady (e.g. "Hella Good," "Hey Baby"), but I realized that these songs hardly had a twinkie-esque shelf-life; a few listens down the road and I was ready to recant my No Doubt fandom. That being said, I keep Tragic Kingdom on my iPod, and I strongly suspect that that boils down to one reason: "Spiderwebs." Come on - talk about catchy! It is as infectious as HIV! Regardless of whether I ever resume my interest in No Doubt, I will no doubt continue to eat this little nugget right up. Ha! Get it?? Faggots!
9. "Time To Pretend" by MGMT
I have nothing against MGMT. That is part of why I have them lower on this list than some of these other tracks. I would say that I like "Kids," "Electric Feel," hell, I'll even throw in "The Youth." But those four are it. I will never say that I am an MGMT fan because they piss me off. How can the same band that made "Time To Pretend" and a diminutive handful of other gems suck so consistently? We aren't dealing with a one-hit wonder, in the conventional sense; yes, "Kids" was something of a one-hit wonder in the commercial world and "Time To Pretend" played a similar role for critics, but MGMT is not an incompetent band. They are no Vanilla Ice or Nena. These guys should be able to make more kick ass material. However, their failure to do so should not detract from the statement that is "Time To Pretend."
8. "Stuck Between Stations" by The Hold Steady
I do not really try to keep shit this way, but a majority of my opinions seem to align fairly closely with what I might irritatingly refer to as 'critical consensus.' Most of the bands on this list (particularly from 7 on up) are not exactly swimming in Pitchfork's lovejuice. Which is why this entry might stick out like a sore thumb. The Hold Steady might not have been commercial juggernauts, but they sure knew how to catch a critic's eye. Technically, I am no critic. Or at least not a professional one. But I am not in love. Their songwriting doesn't strike me as particularly novel and the dude's voice takes some getting used to, but I will not deny that I listen to "Stuck Between Stations" an awful lot. For that reason, I toss it into this pot pourri of anomalous whatchamacallits.
7. "Toxic" by Britney Spears
For one solid day, I was a Britney Bitch. And that was the day I found this song. My dad holds the rather controversial opinion that "Baby, One More Time" is one of the best singles of the nineties and, strangely enough, I disagree with him, which is rarer than you might think. As I delved through Britney's greatest hits, what I found was that I was not infatuated with much. In fact, putative affection for any Spears song other than "Toxic" seemed to require too much convincing to be based in reality. As such, here it is on this list.
6. "In My Place" by Coldplay
Coldplay is one of those bands that I probably do not hate as much as I say I do, but every redeeming quality of theirs can be excavated from the depths of their second album, A Rush of Blood To The Head, a name that might be the most daringly pseudosexual Coldplay ever allowed themselves to get. I think it would be hilarious if Chris and Gwyneth were actually super kinky BDSMers, or whatever you call transvestite dominatrixes these sexually tolerant days. There are a couple of good songs on AROBTTH, including "Politik," "A Rush of Blood To The Head," "Clocks," and maybe on a good day, "The Scientist." But I think the only solid argument for keeping this space-consuming over-hyped soft rock relic on my music-playing pacemaker is "In My Place." It is what other people find appealing in Coldplay, only it's actually appealing! Due to the fact that Coldplay is sometimes thought as being kind of good by weird people, I include it closer to the end of the list. Come on, if it wasn't this song, Coldplay was gonna be on here somewhere, right? Probably. Even Pitchfork put "Clocks" on their list of the best songs of the decade. Everyone has that one Coldplay song that they have to admit they sport a partial for, once in a bleu cheese moon.
5. "Madness" by Muse
Muse is the last band on this list for which I will feel even remotely apologetic. I admit that I have Absolution on my iPod, but I really don't know why, since I never listen to it. If a creepy Irish midget approached me, told me I would never hear Muse ever again, then handed me a Big Mac, I would be most disappointed that it wasn't a Baconator. Muse just doesn't do it for me. But - and here is the 'but' as big as Jennifer Lopez's - "Madness" is not actually bad. I was actually surprised it was Muse. The 2nd Law sucked. As unintriguing as the half-assed physics reference that is the title. But this track ain't bad. Kinda catchy. Sure, it might induce epilepsy from time to time, but it would be the most rhythmic seizure you ever experienced.
4. "Itchin' On A Photograph" by Grouplove
I actually sat down and wasted a full album's amount of my life because of this one fucking song. I heard the first track, thought it was cool, and then waited for a SINGLE OTHER SONG to be good. I was as disappointed with the album as my mom usually manages to be with me. And, even though this song is not going to shake your world anytime soon, it is not terrible. I keep it around. I don't expect it to ever improve my day, substantially, but who knows? That's all I have to say about this song, unfortunately, so please enjoy this list of everything I love about former President Bush:
3. "Somewhere Only We Know" by Keane
There are three entries on this list that essentially fall in the same category: boring, uninspired indie faggot rock that wants to change my life, but does a palpably bad job of it. Coldplay is, of course, the first of these. Then, Keane. The third is yet to cum. Nevertheless, this song is pretty enough. I am sure that the 2.8/10.0 that Pitchfork gave this album was mostly from this song. The other 7.2 dropped off as we continued to listen to this drearily lame record. Where at least Coldplay managed to write a few songs that I am willing to admit I like, this is it for Keane. Please stop telling me to listen to Hopes and Queers. I have. It isn't good.
2. "Over My Head (Cable Car)" by The Fray
Here is the third one. If I were going to include a fourth song in the aforementioned niche, it would be "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World. Only one problem and that is that I fucking despise that song. Sure, the guitar riff is catchy, but the lyrics are as bad as a twenty one pilots' song (y'all will learn that I CANNOT STAND twenty one pilots). Even though The Fray essentially just remade the same song over and over and over and over ... again, they mastered that technique with this song. I might even say it is good. Boring, yes, but not so boring that I can't get through it. (By the way, it is amazing to me that I hear people like my ex-girlfriend that think that songs like "Paperhouse" by Can are boring, a song that I genuinely think might stand as one the five best songs ever committed to tape, but she has no problem sitting through tracks like this. Grow some real taste, will ya?) Not bad. Catchy. The type of song that I probably would not complain about if someone threw it on a road trip playlist.
1. "Love Yourself" by Justin Bieber
As I noted in the introduction, this list is not structured in ascending qualitative order. It is a mixture of quality and how surprised I was that I liked the song. It is that second criterion that gives this song its number one placement. Is it better than even half of the songs on this list? Not a chance. But I would have eaten my boots before I ever would have thought I would eventually like a JB track. And, yet, here I am, sitting awake four hours past my bedtime, writing about one that I think is defensibly decent. I won't go further than that. I don't even have it in my iTunes library, so certainly not on my iPod, but I wouldn't be opposed to it being there. That's all I'm saying. So get off my back!
[Note: Since none of you know me, I suppose that I should clarify that I have nothing against homosexuals, BDSM fetishists, sufferers of HIV, or any of the other demographics that I made shots at herein. The more posts I add, the more you will see that I am actually a very liberal, open-minded human being that likes to make half-assed jokes about every imaginable demographic.]
